How to Survive a Zoom Call Without Your Brain Exploding

How to Survive a Zoom Call Without Your Brain Exploding (Spoiler: It’s All About the Mute Button)

Let's face it—Zoom calls are the new norm (whether we like it or not). You’ve probably spent the last year desperately trying to navigate endless virtual meetings that seem to drag on for eternity, with just enough awkward silences and technical glitches to make you question your life choices.

So, how do you survive the next Zoom meeting without your brain slowly turning to mush? Spoiler alert: The key to your survival is a combination of careful planning, a bit of humor, and mastering the art of the "mute" button. Let’s dive into the strategies that will keep you from crawling under your desk, screaming, during your next Zoom session.

1. The Art of the "I’m Just Listening" Face 🤔

The first and most important rule of surviving a Zoom call is the “I’m Just Listening” Face. This is the face you make when someone is speaking for far too long, and you’re mentally checking out, but you can’t leave the meeting. It’s that subtle combination of furrowed brows, slightly open mouth, and the occasional nod that screams, “I am so paying attention… please don’t call on me.”

The key here is to look just interested enough that no one asks you to participate, but not so engaged that you accidentally make eye contact with the speaker. If you perfect the “I’m just listening” face, you might even make it through an entire meeting without saying a word—and that’s the dream, right?

2. Mastering the Mute Button (and How to Pretend You’re Having Audio Issues)

Here’s the #1 survival tactic: learn how to mute yourself at the perfect moment. If you can master muting and unmuting on command, you’ll be a Zoom hero. Here’s a pro tip: if someone’s rambling on (we’ve all been there), just “accidentally” mute yourself, smile, and pretend like you’re struggling with your audio. No one can call you out for “bad reception,” and you can sit back and relax while they keep talking.

Don’t forget about the “fake static” trick. If you feel the need to add drama to the moment, randomly make it sound like you’re underwater. We’ve all heard that “Can everyone hear me?” followed by the weird sound of someone frantically adjusting their mic. You can be that person, too, except in your case, it's purely for comedic effect.

Bonus Tip:

If you’re feeling bold, leave yourself on mute, but leave your camera on. That way, you can give some incredibly enthusiastic hand gestures while you zone out. Everyone thinks you’re taking notes or adding value, but really, you’re just picturing yourself on a beach somewhere far, far away.

3. The “Technical Difficulties” Escape Plan

You know that awkward moment when someone asks you to present something, and you realize you didn’t actually prepare for the presentation? Instead of breaking into a cold sweat and frantically opening the wrong file, just lean into the "technical difficulties" excuse. It’s like the magical lifeline of Zoom calls.

“Sorry, I think my screen froze…”
Cue the sound of desperate clicking and scrambling to make it look like your screen is truly stuck.
“Oh no, I’m having some audio issues! Can you hear me? Hello? HELLO?”

Next time someone asks you to share your screen, pretend you’re suddenly attacked by a Wi-Fi gremlin. Let that technical issue roll in and give yourself a solid excuse to avoid the most awkward part of the meeting. It’s practically an art form at this point.

4. Get Creative with the Virtual Backgrounds 🎨

You know those people who show up to Zoom meetings with virtual backgrounds that make it look like they’re on the beach, in space, or hanging out with The Office crew? Well, you can totally be one of them. Not only is it fun, but it’s also a perfect way to distract everyone from your blank, wide-eyed stare during a presentation.

Use a tropical beach background to give the illusion that you’re on vacation (even though you’re in your pajamas). Or better yet, use an image of a bustling coffee shop to make it seem like you’re deep in thought while sipping an iced latte. The possibilities are endless—and let’s be honest, a fake palm tree in the background might be the only thing keeping you sane.

Pro Tip:

Make your background a high-quality meme for extra flair. Watch as your coworkers try to figure out if they should laugh or just focus on the meeting. And if they ask about it, just say, “I’m just keeping it casual.”

5. The Strategic Bathroom Break 🚻

There’s no shame in taking a well-timed bathroom break during a Zoom call. When you’ve reached the point where your brain is actually leaking out of your ears, excuse yourself for a quick “bathroom run.” It's the perfect opportunity to step away, reset, and refocus—because sometimes, you just need to escape from the endless stream of PowerPoint slides and passive-aggressive “sorry, I was on mute” moments.

Just be careful of the perils of the mute button—you don’t want to accidentally leave your mic on while you, well, have a conversation with your houseplants. We’ve all seen that one Zoom mishap, and trust us, you don’t want to be “that person.”

6. Keep the Chat Window Open (for Emotional Support)

Let’s be honest, Zoom calls can be a lot. But the chat feature? That’s your secret lifeline. As the meeting drags on and on, you can lean into the chat to send hilarious messages to your coworkers. A well-timed meme or a random “This could’ve been an email” comment can make the meeting 10x better. Plus, it gives you that sweet, sweet feeling of connection with your fellow Zoom survivors.

Just make sure you’re sending your jokes to the right group. The last thing you want is to send a “Can we wrap this up already?” to the entire company.

Stay Strong, Fellow Zoom Survivor

Look, we get it—Zoom calls are weird. They’re awkward, they’re exhausting, and let’s be honest, most of the time, they could’ve been an email. But with these survival tips, you can face your next virtual meeting with a sense of humor and a strategic plan. Just remember: the mute button is your best friend, and there’s no shame in pretending your Wi-Fi is the problem.

So the next time you’re staring at a sea of faces on Zoom, take a deep breath, roll your eyes a little (🤦‍♂️), and keep that “I’m just listening” face strong. You’ve got this. And remember, no one knows what you’re really doing—except for the chat window. That’s your true ally.